Drinking Problem

According to Yahoo Health, America has a drinking problem. Not alcohol. Soft drinks. It seems that average Americans drink over 40 gallons of soft drinks per year. All these drinks contribute to increased fats, cholesterol and brain cell damage.
And, don’t think that switching to diet drinks will save you. Research has shown that people that drink diet soda have a higher risk of developing diabetes.

Included in the report is this little tidbit. Some popular drinks, including Mountain Dew, use brominated vegetable oil - a toxic flame retardant - to keep the artificial flavoring from separating from the rest of the liquid. Sometime listed as BVO on the label, this ingredient can cause skin lesions, memory loss and nerve disorders. If you haven’t been overcome by memory loss from drinking this stuff, next time you have a fire, just pour some Mountain Dew on it.

Okay, so what do we drink now? Everything we drink is bad for you. Naturally the ‘experts’ say to drink only water. Remember now, these are the same types that are recycling sewer water to make it ‘safe’ to drink. I’m giving up water.

Being the scientific mind that I am, I have come to the most logical conclusion.

Since everything is dangerous, just drink alcohol. It has water and is made from lots of grains. Aren’t we supposed to get a lot of fiber each day? If everything is bad for you, at least with alcohol you will have a good time dying. There is another benefit not often pointed out. You won’t get worms. Just look in the bottom of a bottle of tequila. Alcohol kills worms!

There is one little side effect. Alcohol makes you walk funny.

PMO
©2011

Gasoline Prices

Gasoline prices are jumping up again. Every time I drive past our local station the price has gone up ten to twenty cents. I guess the solution is to not drive by there anymore, but I will have to buy gas sooner or later.
Oil prices go up and down, but gasoline prices can go up when oil is down or go down when oil prices are up. I know someone somewhere at sometime has explained to me the fluctuation of gas prices but I promptly forgot. All I know is that when gas cost $3.50 ($3.49.9) it is not a good thing. And, I really don’t care what it cost in Europe.

During my weekly shopping trip to Wally-Mart last week I overheard two cashiers talking. They said that their gas would be over $4.00 per gallon before summer. Now that’s something to look forward to.

Back in the ‘old’ days, when gas was $2.00 per gallon and it went to over $3.00, it was a shock. Then it went to nearly $4.00. Strangely enough when it settled around $3.00 everyone thought it was wonderful. See how easy that was to jump up a dollar?

I am not suggesting there is some wild conspiracy to inflate gas prices, but it is strange how prices go up a lot faster than they come down. And, not long ago the ‘news’ was reporting we have a surplus of gasoline and are shipping it to other countries.

Being a grumpy old man I am sensitive to prices increases on anything, but especially gasoline and electricity. Both of those drive up prices in other sectors like food and other essentials.

Being selfish and self serving, my plan is to get my little burg to declare itself a foreign country so we can get cheap gasoline.

Even better, we could declare war on the U.S. and get free gasoline and some badly need road repairs.

PMO
©2011

Shoe

Perhaps you’ve read the comic strip "Shoe" by Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins. Today’s was especially entertaining to me. Shoe is watching TV and the announcer says there are only 32 seconds left in the football game. Shoe goes out and shovels his sidewalk, makes and eats a sandwich, goes to a movie, paints a canvas and returns to the television. The announcer now says, "Wow. What a football game! And, there are only 17 seconds left!"
I am certain there is a football game in the final seconds of the game that started in 1964. Does it not strike anyone strange that the games on television end with new players because the ones that started had to quit because they got too old to play?

PMO
©2011

Batteries Not Included

Another question.  What happens when the battery goes dead?  The correct answer is the world stops.  Just think about everything you have that requires a battery.  Phones, computers, cameras, GPS navigation, flashlights, radios, iPods, iPads and who knows what else.

Just imagine what would your life be like if suddenly we were hit with an electromagnetic pulse and all the batteries went dead.

I couldn't get out of bed.  My alarm clock is battery powered.
PMO

No Problem

What does "No Problem" mean? I go to a store to shop and ask a clerk to help me find something and then say "Thank You." I get "No Problem" as a response. Of course it was no problem. The clerk is paid to be helpful.

This week I declined an invitation to speak. I was gracious and said thank you for inviting me. Grumpy old men can be gracious, it just hurts a little. The response I got - NO PROBLEM.

When I say thank you it is never my intention to apologize. I am expressing my gratitude for some act or deed. Yet, I keep getting this tired expression. Why can’t people simply say, "You’re welcome" anymore?

If you’d like to comment about this, please feel free to do so.

If not, no problem.

PMO
©2011

Grumpy Philosophy

We have already established that everything annoys grumpy old men. Today the subject is mistakes and choices.
How many times have you heard someone say, "I made a mistake" when in reality they made a bad choice? A mistake is usually something that occurs in spite of good intentions. Like when you add two plus two and get five. Or when you leave the garage door open all day while you are away. One of my recurring mistakes is talking when I should be listening.

Choices are different because they require a conscious decision. We often hear about someone making a mistake, when they made a bad choice. A simple example is buying a yellow car. It was a choice that can turn bad right after you drive off the lot. A spouse has an affair and says, "I made a mistake." No, you made a choice.

Honest mistakes usually bear no or little responsibility. Choices however, are solely upon the individual who usually does not want to take responsibility.

Think about that for awhile. You’re going to need all this insight to be a good grumpy old man or woman.

My mistake everyday is making a choice to get out of bed.

PMO
©2011

Block Listg

I have a facebook account, but I don’t use it very often. Social networks are just not my thing. However, I do have a list of quality friends. It’s quality, not quantity that counts.
Because I don’t go to the site on a regular basis, I usually have to learn how to use it over and over again. And, occasionally I try to learn something new.

Today I learned about block list. Block list is kind of like going into a witness protection program. The "blockee" can’t find you anymore. Now that’s a feature that is useful. But if you decide to block someone that is on your friend list, then you have to un-friend them before you can block them.

Being the adventurous type I decided to try the block list. So as not to offend any of my friends I blocked myself. Now, I can’t find me.

Nothing new about that.

PMO
©2011

Down On The Farm

I had to run some errands yesterday and when I returned home there was a horse in my driveway. Yes, a real live horse. No, I did not try to park him in my garage. Instead I called the city animal control. It took four of us to locate the owner and get the animal back inside his fence. He didn’t really want to go. The horse, not the owner.
We live within a city limits, but our little burg is still rural. There are lots of animals - domestic and wild. Since we moved here, we’ve had horses, (this was not our first) sheep, snakes, opossums, coyotes, racoons, goats, guineas, and a partridge that had lost his pear tree.

And, of course there have been a multitude of dogs. Big, little, cute, ugly, nice and mean dogs. It is amazing when you find the owner, they match the dog.

Of all the animals, the worst ones have been humans. There is one neighboring family that everyone in a million mile radius agrees about. I don’t know anyone that these people haven’t made angry. The city police, animal control and code enforcement people know them so well that when someone calls to complain they don’t have to know the name. They have a large file on them.

Back to the horse. He did fertilize my yard. He did tear up some of the lawn. And, he was a bit unruly and stubborn. And, there was the time when my back yard was filled with sheep that had diarrhea.

I wish those neighbors were half as nice.

PMO
©2011

Culture Clash

My daughter has always been one of those sophisticated people that likes the theater - not a movie theater. She was in plays in school and wanted to major in drama in college. Fortunately she got a business degree at one of the better schools.

A few weeks ago she and the youngest granddaughter went to see Les Miserables on stage. They both throughly enjoyed it. It appears that granddaughter will follow her mother. She loves theatrics.

So what would you think that daughter and son-in-law would do for their wedding anniversary? Think outside of the box.

They went to a tractor pull.

I’m going to be up all night figuring that one out.

PMO
©2011

Sequels

I’ve seen a lot of movies. No, not silent movies. Of all the movies I’ve seen, only a few stand out. Most movies are mediocre at best. The worst are usually sequels. I learned today about some sequels that never happened.

Just after the release of the smash hit, E.T. director Steven Spielberg and screenwriter Melissa Mathison reunited to write a sequel. It was going to turn the family classic into a total fear fest scifi horror with E.T. coming to the rescue.

Remember Beetlejuice? Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian was in production ten years before someone finally realized how bad an idea it was.

Gladiator was one of the great films of 2000 and won the Best Picture Oscar. Since the lead character gets killed in the film, a sequel seemed unlikely. There was a plan to have Maximus fight Roman gods in the afterlife. Some studio executive realized that some things and characters are better left dead.

And believe it or not, there was script for Forest Gump - Forest Gump 2: Gump & Company. Tom Hanks scrapped that idea.

Remember the next time you watch a movie, no matter how bad it is, there could be a sequel that is worse.

I am a little disappointed that there was never a sequel to Old Yeller.

PMO
©2011

Weights & Measures

Somebody is messing with weights and measures. I was working in my garden today, putting in some compost. The bags state they weight 40 pounds. That can’t be true. I distinctly remember when I was 21 years old loading trucks with 40 and 50 pound products. They weren’t heavy. The bags I lugged around today are heavy.
And, time measurement has changed. For over fifty years I slept about six hours per day. I always had a job that required getting up early. Didn’t bother me. But now, I notice that I sleep eight or even nine hours. It does appear that someone has taken some minutes out of an hour. Simple logic tells me that if it takes more hours, then there are fewer minutes in an hour.

It must be a conspiracy to fool grumpy old men. What else could it be?

PMO
©2011

Dirty Money

I’ve always heard that money is the root of all evil, but it’s dirty too. I read an article today on Yahoo describing germs on money. There are millions of the little grubbers on that dollar in your pocket or purse. These microscopic bugs and all kinds of bacteria are transferred from one person to another each time you exchange money. Yes, even coins.
The problem is that people handle all kinds of things, then they handle money without washing their hands.

And, to make matters worse, money may contain traces of a variety of illegal drugs. In our world, drug dealers exchange their products for cash. It is conceivable that a drug sniffing police dog could point you out because of the money in your possession.

We live in a germophobic society. For some reason, Americans think they should be protected from everything.

Therefore I am making an offer to protect you. Give me your money. I’m not taking about your banking account, just your currency. Yes, including pennies. Grumpy old men aren’t afraid of germs.

I make this offer as a goodwill gesture to help protect you and prevent you from being arrested.

Grumpy old men can be nice sometimes.

PMO
©2011

Warren

According to CNBC, Warren Buffett will be writing a check to help pay down the national debt. He is going to match voluntary contributions made this year and last year by Rep. Scott Rigell, a Republican representing Virginia. Buffett promises to match voluntary contributions aimed at deficit reduction by all Republican members of Congress.

Buffett will hold his check until April 20 to see if anyone accepts his challenge. Right now, the amount for matching Rigell is just over $49,000.

For Warren Buffett to write a check for $49K is like me kicking in a penny for a meal with thousands of people. Politics!

In case your wondering why he didn’t offer the challenge to Democrats, he may not think he would get any response.

Could it be, he’s visited Jimmy too many times in Margaritaville.

Blew out a flipflop.

PMO
©2011

Dirty Jobs

Have you seen the television show, "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe? He’s the guy on the Ford commercials. I have watched the show a few times and to be honest, it is disgusting sometimes. That’s why it is popular.
Mike has done some jobs that people shouldn’t do. But, there are people that do the jobs everyday. I got to thinking what job is the nastiest, foul smelling, disgusting, repulsive, offensive, destructive, absolutely worst job in the world. What kind of a job would make you want to keep what you do from your mother?

The answer is simple. It is has been around since the beginning of mankind. It is best described in a quote that has been around for years, "Don’t tell my mother I’m in politics.  She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse." Anonymous.

I understand why he/she wanted to remain anonymous.

It is not likely Mike Rowe will be showing this job on his show.

It’s just too dirty.

PMO
©2011

Smarter

My father told a story of way back when children sold newspapers on the streets, a little boy was hawking the news at the bus station. The boy apparently was there everyday when my dad would drive up with a bus loaded with prospective customers.

One day as a soldier departed the bus, the boy shouted, "Hey soldier, want to buy a paper?" The soldier quipped, "Nope, I can’t read." To which the boy replied, "You ought to buy one and stick in your pocket so you won’t look so damn stupid." The soldier came back and gave the boy a nickel and took a paper.

We all want to be smarter or at least have other people think we are. Today I discovered that chewing gum can make you smarter. At least according to Yahoo Health, in a article written by Lisa Collier Cool on January 10, 2012. She says, "While chewing gum may not make you look more intelligent, it actually boosts brainpower, new research shows."

The research reveals that students that chew gum had better mental performance and better grades, especially in math. That must be why I had so much trouble with math. We were not allowed to chew gum in class. Mr. Bailey used to recite this poem about chewing gum. "A gum chewing girl, and a cud chewing cow. They’re both the same, but there’s a difference somehow. Ah yes, I have it now. It’s the thoughtful look on the face of the cow."

One theory is that chewing increases blood flow to the brain - munching perks up attention. In addition to improved performance, better memory, faster reaction and increased attention, the research suggests those that munched on gum were also in a better mood.

A true, honest to goodness genuine grumpy old man doesn’t chew gum. It’s not that we don’t want to be smarter and all that other stuff. It’s because we can't walk at the same time.

You knew that was coming. Didn’t you?

PMO
©2011

Retirement

The company I retired from is planning some retirement seminars for those nearing retirement age. This is a revival of a program they had several years ago. The goal is to prepare people that are ready or soon will be for retirement. They will have speakers on Social Security, Medicare, financial planning and other bits of useful information. But, this time they want some retirees to come and speak about their retirement experience. They made a big mistake. They asked me.

Folks, I can tell you a million things about retirement. The first being that no matter what you think it will be like, you’re wrong.

Sure you have all the time you want to do what you want, when you want. But, you also have all the time you don’t want, to do the things you don’t want to do. You never get a day off and there is no calling in sick.

Retirement is not like being at work. It also is not like taking a two week vacation. It’s kinda like unemployment, except you can’t draw unemployment checks.

The most important advise I can think of for anyone planning to retire is, find a social circle. Humans are social animals. Most people want to quit working, at least in part, to get away from people. You will soon discover that when there are not people around, you don’t know what to do.

Naturally, it is easy to say, "I’m going to spend more time with my family." Have you ever thought, your family may not want to spend more time with you? Unless they are retired, they don’t have any more time than you did when you worked. If your spouse is retired or never worked, it is going to be a culture shock. Some woman said, "You get twice as much husband and half as much money."

Oh, I could go on for hours about retirement. But, I can go on for hours about almost anything. The trick is to find what makes you happy. Remember, wether you realize it or not, humans like to feel a sense of worth. It’s easy to lose that feeling if you are not careful.

I know I have worth. I shop, mop, vacuum, run errands and fix stuff.

And I write this dumb blog.

PMO
©2011

Tim Tebow

Just who does Tim Tebow think he is? He has never been arrested for drug possession or sexual assault. What kind of a role model is this guy?

The man simply prays and proclaims his belief in God, where ever he is. It could be blamed on his childhood. He mother refused to follow doctors directions to have him aborted. Now, he is a walking pro-life testimonial. This really has upset some folks.

Erin Mattson, VP at The National Organization for Women told ABC News that Tim’s story of survival is quite offensive.

Yes, Tim has really upset a lot of people by just being alive. And, he has the audacity to praise God in public.

Here’s the real funny part. The NOW, Women’s Media Center, American Atheists, and Bill Mahers and all the other feminist groups, media, and liberal pundits are advancing the cause for what Mr. Tebow believes by all their attacks.

They haven’t figured that out. They are not smart enough. And they think they are smarter than God.

PMO
©2011

War Is Hell

There has been a lot of rage over some Marines in a video circulated around the world. The best comment I’ve seen is from Allen West. The following is an excerpt from The Weekly Standard.

Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.), a former Army lieutenant colonel, sent THE WEEKLY STANDARD an email commenting on the Marines’ video - January 13, 2012. This is what he said.

"I have sat back and assessed the incident with the video of our Marines urinating on Taliban corpses. I do not recall any self-righteous indignation when our Delta snipers Shugart and Gordon had their bodies dragged through Mogadishu. Neither do I recall media outrage and condemnation of our Blackwater security contractors being killed, their bodies burned, and hung from a bridge in Fallujah.

"All these over-emotional pundits and armchair quarterbacks need to chill. Does anyone remember the two Soldiers from the 101st Airborne Division who were beheaded and gutted in Iraq?

"The Marines were wrong. Give them a maximum punishment under field grade level Article 15 (non-judicial punishment), place a General Officer level letter of reprimand in their personnel file, and have them in full dress uniform stand before their Battalion, each personally apologize to God, Country, and Corps videotaped and conclude by singing the full US Marine Corps Hymn without a teleprompter.

"As for everyone else, unless you have been shot at by the Taliban, shut your mouth, war is hell."

I would ask, what would those that sit in judgment do if they had to face the same pressures as the Marines?

PMO
©2011

Good Time Cleaning

Few people I know enjoy cleaning. It is in my top ten things that I don’t want to do. However, there may be a trick to make chores a little bit more enjoyable.
According to DYI Network, you just have to think outside the martini glass and use vodka for cleaning. Vodka is great for cleaning jewelry. Pour some vodka into a dish, plop in your diamond ring and swish it around. Take it out and dry it off. How is this better than using regular cleaner? You get to lick your fingers after you swish the ring around.

For cleaning mold and mildew, fill a spray bottle with vodka and spray it onto the mold and mildew. Let it set for about fifteen minutes and scrub with a toothbrush if necessary. While you wait, spray a few shots into your mouth to clean your teeth too.

You can even clean eyeglasses with vodka. Use the spray bottle again. Take your glasses off before you do this. Again, another opportunity to clean your teeth with the spray.

And, it gets better. You can use vodka as an insect killer. Because of the high alcohol content it is potent to insects - and sometimes people. Just grab your trusty spray bottle and squirt the pests and watch them stagger away. Or, you can spray yourself - lots on your teeth.

With a little imagination, you can make cleaning the most fun you’ll have all day.

Just don’t clean and drive.

PMO
©2011

National Crisis

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real national crisis. I know that you are probably jaded about crisis by now, but this time it is real.

The government loves a good crisis. They rejoiced in the plight of the car manufacturers. It was their time to shine, to show that only government could save the nation with bailout money. So what would have happened if GM and Chrysler had gone under. There are so many car builders, we would have just switched brands. They all look the same anyway.

But, now, we are at the brink of a true national disaster. A company that represents the true heartbeat of America is about to go under.

I hope you will join me in demanding that government step up and save our nation. We cannot allow our way of life to change so dramatically. Write your representative today. Give the White House a call. Don’t ask, tell them to take action now.

We cannot allow Hostess to go under. I can’t imagine life without Twinkies. Get real people. Can you face another day without Squiggle-Topped Cup Cakes or Ding Dongs?

I thought not.

PMO
©2011

Dog Gone

There may be more money spent on dogs than there is on national defense. I, being an animal lover, still can’t understand people that spend literally thousands of dollars per year on a dog. It defies logic.

Today, I have discovered that there is a product that offers GPS tracking for your dog. It’s called, ‘TAGG’ The Pet Tracker. It cost a couple hundred dollars and then there’s a monthly fee. To do what? Keep track of Phideaux (Fido). All you have to have is money and a computer or smart phone and you will be alerted if the hound goes out of bounds.

The way it works is you put a device on the dog collar, and set up an area, say your backyard, on your computer that you want puppy to be confined to. When said dog strays from the zone, you get an email or text alert.

The tracker shows where your dog is on a map displayed on your phone or computer. Then all you have to do is stop what you are doing and go get the muddy grubber out of your neighbors flower garden.

Wouldn’t humanity be better served using this technology for wives to put on their husbands? Or, vise versa?

In case you haven’t thought of it, a rope also works for knowing where Rover is.  It's a whole lot cheaper.

Rope won’t work on husbands.

PMO
©2011

Drain Cleaner ID

Illinois has a new law. You have to show a government issued ID to purchase drain cleaner, according to an article on theblaze.com. Have you let this news "sink in?" Does this mean that when drain cleaner is outlawed, only outlaws will have clean drains?

Reportedly the law came about after two women were burned by acid attacks in 2008. One of the women later admitted to burning herself, but the law was still passed.

The question this raised to me is if requiring photo ID for voting is racist, what is it for requiring ID to buy drain cleaner?

Maybe people without ID don’t have stopped up drains. Surely they conducted a poll before passing the law.

I have stopped up drains more than I vote.

PMO
©2011

Dog's Life

According to the Journal of American Veterinarian Medical Association, a Ft. Worth 2^nd Court of Appeals has overturned a lower court’s dismissal of a case and ruled against a 120 year old precedent from the Texas Supreme Court, holding that plaintiffs could recover only an animal’s market value. "Dogs are unconditionally devoted to their owners. Today, we interpret timeworn supreme court law in light of subsequent court law to acknowledge that the special value of ‘man’s best friend’ should be protected," according to the 2^nd Court’s opinion, issued November 3, 2011.

The case stems from a lawsuit filed when a dog was picked up by animal control and the owner went to the animal shelter but did not have enough money to retrieve the pet. A shelter employee promised to hold the dog until the next day. The dog was euthanized the next day despite of a hold tag on the animal.

To save you from the rest of the legal mumbo jumbo, the ruling opens up a can of worms for dog owners and medical care providers, as well as a host of other animal services. I can just imagine what would happen, say in a divorce. The judge rules that one party gets the house, cars, stocks, bonds and all the money in the bank. The other party gets the dog.

Perhaps you take your dog to the Vet and he/she trims it’s toenails a little too short. Could you sue for "personal" injury on behalf of the dog?

I guess "a dog’s life" now means equality with humans. I do know people that love their dogs more than they love anyone - ANYONE.

All I can say is, put a flea collar on me and I’ll learn to bark.

PMO
©2011

Have A Good Day

It is common for people to say, "Have a good day." We have already established that grumpy old men are annoyed at everything. This is just another one. Sometimes I feel like responding to "have a good day," with, "I am not going to do it and you can’t make me."

If I really thought they meant it, perhaps it wouldn’t bother me. But, it is usually some clerk saying it after I’ve made a purchase or some customer service clerk after they tell me the warranty has expired or doesn’t cover what ever caused a product to fail.

Our society is so ingrained in pretense that we are programed to recite whatever the powers in charge think we should say. Isn’t a simple, even if not sincere, thank you, sufficient?

When you get to be a grumpy old man, the measure of having a good day is when you haven’t broken anything.

PMO
©2011

Brownie

When you say photography, what name comes to mind? Kodak. Since the late 1800's Kodak has been the name for taking pictures. They even invented digital cameras in 1975. But, now they are going broke.

I was never a shutter bug, but out of necessity I must have shot about a million rolls of Kodak film. Some of the pictures actually turned out pretty good. That’s because I learned once I got the film into the dark room, I could make then look better. For you young whipper snappers, a dark room was the photo shop of the old days. There were lots of tricks you could do if you knew how.

I even had a Hawkeye Brownie with the flash attachment. Believe it or not, it was actually fun waiting to get the film back from the drug store. Another era gone by.

Kodak failed to adapt to a changing market when they had it all in their hands. Now, unless they can turn some patents into cash, it’s all over. Sad. Just plain sad.

Everybody line up and say cheese.

I never did remember to wait for the flash bulb to cool before I tried to remove it. That’s why I don’t have fingerprints.

PMO
©2011

No More Mouse?

A company in Sweden, Tobii, is perfecting technology to move the cursor on your computer screen with your eyes. According to an article on Yahoo news, the technology developed for handicapped persons, should be in the market place in about two years.

The technology allows you to move the cursor from one spot to another such as opening emails or follows as you read down a page. As you would expect, I have some problems with this.

First, I want to know how do you right or left click? I guess you just wink which ever eye that applies. Will it work through tri-focal glasses? This is important information to grumpy old men. Since I can’t see without moving my eyes all around, is this technology going to know what it was I really wanted to see? Probably not.

And, as with any new technology, they have not thought of all the problems that will result. What’s going to happen when a red bloodied American male is sitting at his computer, working hard, when a good looking American female walks by? There goes the cursor off the screen!

My advice is to keep your old mouse. I can move it around with my eyes almost closed - which is the case most of the time.

PMO
©2011

Fare Disclosure

In case you haven’t heard, we have a new rule for airlines. They no longer can advertise low prices without including all the extra fees, taxes and surcharges. Obviously this has upset some of the carriers.

I think that we should enact a rule for the governments. Make them expose all the fees, taxes, and surcharges of every program they implement. Everyone knows about income tax - well maybe they don’t. The idea is that every working person has to pay a tax on their income. But what about the hidden costs? Companies have expenses to maintain and collect the taxes. Employees have expenses to prepare annual forms to send to the IRS.

Don’t think these costs are insignificant? You would be wrong. Companies, even mom and pop operations, spend millions or perhaps billions each year to be administrators for government at all levels.

The list of taxes, often called fees, is longer than several arms. Stop and think about it. Not only income taxes, but sales taxes, business taxes, property taxes, and there may be a just for fun tax. If you think about for a moment, you will discover that you pay taxes on your earned income and you pay taxes on the taxes.

If someone runs for President with a guaranteed plan to expose all the fees, taxes, surcharges and whatever else is hidden, then that’s my man or woman.

I don’t know how much my fees and surcharges are taxed, but I know I can’t afford it.

PMO
©2011

Jimmy The Expert

Former President Jimmy Carter had some advice for Barack Obama this week: Don’t alienate the voters.

The Georgia Democrat told The Associated Press yesterday that just about everything he did alienated voters.

Carter said, "If your main goal is to get re-elected, avoid a controversial subject as much as you can in the first term."

You’re a little bit late on that one Jim.

PMO
©2011

Birds Of A Feather

How many friends do you have? Who are they? What makes them your friend? Here I go with questions again. With the singing of Auld Lang Syne this time of year, it caused me to stop and think about my friends.

When you think about friends, it is hard to identify who’s a friend and who is just an acquaintance. I like the definition of a friend that simply states, a friend is someone that will help you hide. A close friend is someone that will help you hide a body.

For the politically correct readers, I have a diversity of friends - white, black, brown, red, yellow and some that are somewhere in between. I even have green friends. At least they were the last time I saw them at a party.

There’s my coffee friend. She’s never been married. She has no children that she knows of. We meet once a month for coffee/brunch and have the best of times. We discuss all the problems of the world and how we would solve them. No, we do not always agree. But that’s okay. She is my friend.

Preachers don’t have a lot of friends. There’s good reasons for that. They can’t afford for congregants to find out they are human. But, my friend whom I call, "The Rite Reverend Doctor wild Bill of the first get down with your bad self Baptist church of what’s happening now" is my friend.

I have a friend I met in the fourth grade. He really gets on my nerves sometimes, but he is my friend.

There’s a friend with a PhD in economics. PhD’s in economics don’t have a lot of friends, but he buys coffee every other time we meet.

And, there’s one that’s a barbeque cook. Who doesn’t want a friend that cooks barbeque?

Then there’s Tom who I truly believe would help me hide a body. He would complain about it, but he would do it.

I might go on, but the point I want to make is that friends may be as different from you as night is from day, but they are friends. Go figure.

It just seems to me that if people from all walks of life and all races can be friends, then why can’t the world get along?

I better mention that my friend the preacher is going to say in my eulogy, "please hold your applause until the end."

Now, that’s a friend.

PMO
©2011

Bang Bang Christmas

According to a Telegraph.co.uk article written by Nick Allen, the FBI, that’s our Federal Bureau of Investigation, there were over 1.5 million guns sold in the U.S. in December of 2011. Nearly 500,000 sold six days before Christmas.

These numbers are from data in the National Instant Criminal Background Check System. In case you don’t know, when you buy a firearm today, the dealer is obligated to run a background check.

Gun sales in December were the highest ever in a single month, surpassing the previous record which was in November, according to the FBI. Remember, these are background checks and if some people bought more than one gun, the number could be higher.

What does all this mean? Well, it could mean that people are afraid. Afraid of crime because of unemployment. Afraid that police can’t respond quick enough to protect them - they have never been able to do this. Afraid that the current and future administrations will take away guns.

A spokeswoman for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence was quoted as saying, "The research we’ve seen indicates fewer and fewer people are owning more and more guns."

I suspect that it is DiDi Snavely’s fault. In the play, "Greater Tuna", DiDi is the chain smoking owner of DiDi’s Used Weapons. And, in "Tuna Christmas", DiDi proclaims "don’t forget to buy your Christmas pistol."

Just so you’ll know, the record for gun sales in a single day was set in November, on the day after Thanksgiving.

Getting together with all those in-laws can put one in the mind set to buy a gun.

PMO
©2011

Sparky

By now, if you have lived long enough, you must have heard, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." Yet there are literally millions or maybe billions of people wanting to be someone else. I used to want to be the Lone Ranger because he had an unlimited supply of silver bullets. Finally, I gave up on that idea because I can’t ride a horse.

Being philosophical today I want to share a story I read many years ago. It’s from Paul Harvey about a boy called Sparky.

When he was a little boy the other children called him "Sparky," after a comic-strip horse named Sparkplug. Sparky never did shake that nickname.

School was all but impossible for Sparky. He failed every subject in the eighth grade. Every subject! He flunked physics in high school. Receiving a flat zero in the course, he distinguished himself as the worst physics student in his school’s history.

He also flunked Latin. And algebra. And English.

He didn’t do much better in sports. Although he managed to make the school golf team, he promptly lost the only important match of the year.

There was a consolation match. Sparky lost that too.

Throughout his youth Sparky was awkward socially. He was not actually disliked by the other youngsters. No one cared that much. He was astonished if a classmate ever said hello to him outside school hours. No way to tell how he might have done at dating. In high school Sparky never once asked a girl out. He was too afraid of being turned down.

Sparky was a loser. He, his classmates, everyone knew it. So he rolled with it. Sparky made up his mind early in life that if things were meant to work out, they would. Otherwise, he would content himself with what appeared to be inevitable mediocrity.

One something was important to Sparky: drawing. He was proud of his own artwork. Of course, no one else appreciated it. In his senior year of high school, he submitted some cartoons to the editors of his class yearbook. Almost predictably Sparky’s drawings were rejected.

While the young man had stoically rationalized virtually all of his failures theretofore, he was rather hurt by the general ignorance of what he believed was his one natural talent. In fact, he was so convinced of his artistic ability that he decided to become a professional artist.

Upon graduating high school, he wrote a letter to Walt Disney Studios, a letter indicating his qualifications to become a cartoonist for Disney.

Shortly he received an answer, a form letter requesting that he send some examples of his artwork. Subject matter was suggested. For instance, a Disney cartoon character "repairing" a clock by shoveling the springs and gears back inside.

Sparky drew the proposed cartoon scene. He spent a great deal of time on that and the other drawings. A job with Disney would be impressive, and there were many doubters to impress.

Sparky mailed the form and his drawings to Disney Studios.

Sparky waited.

And one day the reply came. . . .

It was another form letter, very politely composed. It said that Disney Studios hired only the very finest artists, even for their routine background work. It had been determined from the drawings which Sparky had submitted – that he was not one of the very finest artists.

In other words, he did not get the job.

I think deep down Sparky expected to be rejected. He had always been a loser, and this was simply one more loss.

So you know what Sparky did? He wrote his autobiography in cartoons. He described his childhood self, the little-boy loser, the chronic underachiever, in a cartoon character the whole world now knows.

For the boy who failed the entire eighth grade, the young artist whose work was rejected not only by Walt Disney Studios but his own high school yearbook, that young man was "Sparky" Charles Monroe Schulz.

He created the "Peanuts" comic strip and the little cartoon boy whose kite would never fly – Charlie Brown.

Only now you know, THE REST OF THE STORY.

Charles Schulz should be the someone else to be, if you don’t want to be who you are. He discovered something most of us never have. He discovered how to be the best at what he was. Even if it was being a loser.

PMO

©2011